Okay today is the day I trade in my rose colored glasses for corrective lenses. For the last 10 months I have truly been in love with a man who is truly in love with someone else. Yes stupid I know. He is not with this other person due to some issues I'd rather not get into. So for the last 10 months we have been going through the most tumultuous sudo-relationship have ever experienced. My problem is I don't know why I am drawn to this man in such a manner that I find it almost impossible for me to walk away as I know I should. Besides being in love with someone other than me he is one the most difficult, most demanding, most self serving,inconsiderate and spoiled men I have ever met. Okay now here is where I am trading in my rose colored glasses and trying to dissect why I am having such a hard time terminating this sudo-relationship.
When I met him my life was in a very hard place and so was his he was just getting out of a long term relationship. I believe that we latched on to each other for our own reasons him because it was a way to cure his loneliness and for me it was easier to solve his problems then it was my own. So I went into full throttle trying to save him from his self and make him feel better. This required a lot of my time because like I said he is very demanding but I didn't mind because to see him smile brought so much joy to my heart. Somewhere along the way I fell in love and his heart was mended and he no longer needed my time and attention. At one point he distanced himself from me for some time and I spiraled out of control into a deep depression I felt like I not only lost my love but my friend. This is a reaction that have never experience from any break up ever. But I believe that their is something within me having nothing much to do with him that is not allowing me to let go. Its not like he is perfect for me and he views me as a lover and a friend so he talks to me about his feelings which doesn't even allow me to live in any sense of denial about what his intentions are.
At this point and time my corrective lenses let me see that I am nothing more than a consolation prize because the prize that he wants is not in his reach right now. Now my common sense tells me a lot of things one being that I deserve a man who thinks that I am the top prize, two being he is not much of a prize himself, three he doesn't really want me but I'll do for right now, four under normal circumstances he is not even someone I would consider anything long term with because maturity wise he is not on the same page as me. These are things I know but with all these realities that stand before me why is it sooo hard for me to leave him alone. IS IT THE TING TING? could be I'm not sure though because although its good I have had better.
